mixxed

got mixxed feelings.
so many things happened since the last post. unbelieevable. its only 2 month ago?
actually dont want to write everything down here. its just i did a lot wrong things refering to the person i liked. thinking how i must've hurt him makes me cry.. even though i'm not in the position to cry haha.
the days with the three of us.. i wonder if its possible for them to come back.

that would be .. just awesome.

i dont know whether i should approach or leave him alone though cause he said he has to ignore me cause i cant bear it.. the last day i could chat with him pretty normal though, i was so happy about that!

i'm now seeing the other person though.. i/we wanted to keep it a secret more or less, but it's out? now and i'm a bit afraid how much it'll spread in school after the holidays end next week. this is what really troubles me somehow. plus i've already enough to do for school :'> maybe i'm getting quite scared of people again. i need to be more comfortable with myself ._.

but

in 5 days theres a concert .. and i'm really looking forward to it. thought i've got to skip 1-2 schooldays.

but i bet it'll be awesome!! i need to get contactlenses until then, but i wont be able to purchase it online cause it wont arrive on time probably.. time moves so fast !! 

oh. and i'm currently making a crochet scarf? i dont know the verb. crocheing? thaha

but .. its my first time and .. thats why its gotten wider and smaller and it really bothers me actually but it'll be a birthday gift so i dont have much time left plus i already have enough to do for school.. xx

I dont know what to wear for the concert yet !! have to go shopping?? but last time i already spent so much money for clothes :(( winter clothes are so expensive. compared to what i usually spent for shopping, which is barely much cause i dont want to spend too much on clothes :( since we dont have that much money.. i'm mainly wearing my sisters clothes so i dont really HAVE to buy new clothes.. which is bothering me though, cause i dont get to wear what i really want and which expresses MY persoonality. i think the clothes you wear say a lot about yourself :) having just some clothes which i like myself now, makes me feel a lot better ^_^

plus i got a new handy <3 my last one lasted 3 years and it was cute but really old? therefore it wasnt technically really good. haha and huge as well. but now, after waiting soo long, i think 3 years are quite a long time considering the huge improvements in technology in such a short period haha, i got a new one ^_^i really liked it a lot, and because i waited some time after it got out, i saved quite some money :)

saving money now as well since i dont get pocket money and i dont work.. i should .. but i'm just too afraid of people. i know it sounds like an excuse :< but just cant yet..

thought about going oversea after i graduated in order to change that and spare some time before i have to decide what to study but i'm just really scared. not only because of that but also because i'm having dificulties with food as well. even at home i'm still often feeling sick, going oversea i won't know what to eat at all, getting sick i wont be able to always skip work? and i never had a job yet. 

i used to work sometimes in my mothers restaurant though so i've got a liiiittle little bit of experience at least.

anways.. i wrote much more than i planned to, but nevermind.

best wishes. :)

no,

i was wrong. i still don't know at all!
we're going to talk tomorrow once more. i hope i won't break into tears again. didn't feel well today at all. i wonder whether i should apologize t someone because i may've been rude. i don't think so thought, but i'm still struggeling not to type " i'm sorry".
so worried and scared about e v e r y t h i n g . it's taking my breath.

geez, i think i know now.

and i do really like him after all.

after three years it seems like its not one sided anymore, haha.

but lets see how it'll develop.

actually i don't really know what i like about him. i just know i do. of course there are some times when i think "aw, that's what i like about him" but i can't tell exactly what.

is that weird? but i don't care. :)


edit-
sth more. today was a birthday and farewell party of two friends who are going out but i didn't go ..
anyways i drew a picture of those two for my friend. actually i could say both are my friends but i drew it for the girl, haha. and my sister who handed it over just wrote me that she was really, really pleased about it, that she almost cried and that she liked it the most of all the presents!
i never expected that! making someone this happy with one of my drawings.. thats awesome!

;;

i want thinner tights ;;

- fifty sobs;; tryin'.

doushio

what should i do? i have to decide.. but i cant yet, i don't know ;;

(yuummy)

irritated about myself.. xx

seriously

i messed up again.

its been a long time <:

the last days/ weeks or even the last month was pretty good. awesome, nice.

i got to spend a lot of fun time together with some friends included the person i like.

or at least i think/thought i like. for 3 years now. but as i started to get close to him i started doubting it. i mean i still liked to be at his side and i do like him.. but i think my heart reacted more when i was with another person. but thinking about being more than friends with him is like impossible.

nevertheless yesterday in the beginning i was close to my former or still crush but in the end with the other one.

today it seems like i've messed up. seriously. we didnt say a word. one time i thought that he told me sth and i answered but afterwards i think it wasnt directed to me.

kind of depressing. we planned to do sth today and tomorrow and i was really looking forward to it,

but i'm not sure anymore //:

it's my fault

down

the last days were SO AWESOME.

but now i've been hit into my heart? again. everything is taken by me very personal.

why do i even do that?! i HATE that. ah i'm depressed. still have got homework to do.

iya da!!

sun ♥

today was such a nice weather! 

because of a school friend it was sometimes rather sad, because he plans to drop out of school .. but after school i skipped japanese lessons.... and went with some friends and him to a river. we didnt do much but just laying there while talking about some randrom things are so nice. ♥

still i wish that he won't drop out.. because he's somehow a really dear friend to me and i bet to the hole class as well.

please stay!

if you keep calm you'll never be a super sayajin!

slowly getting scared ppl might recognize my blog lol

love how the birds fligh across my window!

anyways. today was a quiet beautiful day :>

got to 'met' an old friend of mine ^__^

plus ..

i got to be with that one person ♥ 

xc

why do I always fear about what people might think about me after I do, write or say anything. I'd love to have the confidence of my friend //: can't learn. too tired and too stressed. it's really stressful to have do many expectations from others apart of mine which are really high even without the ones of the others. seriously my own ones are more than enough. I know I'm really hard to myself. I'd wish a shoulder to lean on.

unbelievable

the person from the last post wrote me things like i miss you, when will we see again, why dont you come over next month? and after two days thinking/ learning for school i just wrote him that i probably dont feel the way he feels for me. omg so weird //:

and the last day a friend (boy) from my class started writing me things like honey, we're meant for eachother, i know you feel the same way and because he always jokes aroung and is in class the "moodmaker" i naturally thought it was a joke. and i still think that was nothing serious.

but yesterday i joked around as well calling him honey or sth similiar, and he joined as well.

afterwards he often hugged me, joked around, made me sit next to him and leaned his head on my shoulder usw. , and because i thought he stil had a girlfriend i thought he wasnt serious but in the end of the day i found out that they werent together anymore, even though i couldnt believe him because i usually should have known that, and my friend said sth like " why else do you think he kept following you" .

and i was just shocked OO and his "ex"girlfriend is in my class as well and even though we're not really friends, i still like her. i seriously cant belive this but perhaps i'm just totally wrong.

why doesnt just the one person i think i like, likes me. that would be more than enough!

having others like me makes me feel so uncomfortable even though i should be happy or appreciate it?  //:

omg

our family had guests, which are sleeping over today. (??)

we once visited our guests and i was like a totally outsider. i talked and 'hanged out' a bit with the younger girls but once they were gone i was just chilling around while my sister had fun with the other 'older' ones. today i had a bad feeling in the beginning as well. it was really uncomfortable. then i, my sister and a boy watched a movie together, since then it got better and i felt more natural. everything was fine i guess. until about 1-2 hours. i watched a horror movie with the cousin of the boy before and it was pretty normal. late when it got 'scarier' he took my hand and i just started laughing since i didnt expected that he was that scared. but he grabbed Both hands the hole movie. and that really tightly, atfer letting go clicking the next video, he took my hand again. and so on. when we finished the movie and watched with the laptop musicvideos he intended many times to grab my hand. after A LOT of tries he grabbed my wrist, and then my hand OO but let go right away. before i said goodbye because we had to go, he hugged me about 3 times, linked arms, and then kissed my cheek OO!

watching the movie together with him made me already think that he likes me but after that i guess it was 110% sure!! thats so.. like really, really awkward. i liked him because he always helped me out when i was making myself into an outsider, and he's really nice and funny and a good person, but .. liking me makes it SO awkward.

plus .. 

if it seems like people cant stand me, i feel like why? what have i done wrong? 

but when people like/love me, i think.. what is there to like about me? i seriously couldnt think of anything. i didn't speak much like almost nothing because i'm not good in my motherlanguage and shy. everything i did was laughing watching the movie.. can that even be enough ??

feels so strange. have to learn for a very, very important presentation tomorrow/ today //:

Digimon *__*

started re-watching Digimon Tamer! i seriously LOVE this anime, i feel so sorry for the children nowadays, because it was one of the best parts of my childhood. ♥ 

my work placement is over now. it was better than i thought but my assessment sheet wasn't really good. :c actually it is ok but i expected a better one .. /:

anyways.

i'm intending in becoming confident. 

having trust in me and love myself more.

hwaiting!

never (!) wrote it like that, but i think that somewhere i already wrote "fighting" hahah (:

1 week of my work placement (?) is over, 2 weeks left. it was somehow really strenuous because i'm alone with one person for ~7 hours every day!! but mostly because i don't know what to talk.. |: i'm still so bad at talking and awkward with "strangers" ++ hopefully it gets better. x:

btw. i re-decorated my desk, it looks so much better this way *^* hehe~

seriously

i love, love, love people with confidence !!

thats how i want to become. (:

(without being arrogant or meant of course.. kekek)

it arrived!

ok it didnt arrive actually. i went to pick my package up and the post station, but nevermind, because it's finally heeere!

i looked for a mp4 maybe for a year!! but especially for the last half year to a few months ö_ö

because i really, really need music. it's almost/probabyl the most important thing in my life!

anyways one or two days before i got a card from the post that told me it arrived at my post station i found on the internet the same model, only with another name ( instead of "yepp" "samsung") on it for not even half of the price i had to pay!! it was really.. bitter. haha

anyways when i finally got the package after waiting about 3 weeks after ordering, i was looking forward it.

and here it is !! ~

the package

and here my beloved mp4 player!!

i love the pink colour ö_ö serously!

oh and it isnt turned on, its just a sticker <:

...

i really, really don't understand how people can be so cruel..

if i only try to imagine her pain and what she must have gone through .. its terrible, awful.. !

can not be explained into words. wish you from the bottom of my heart to.. rest in peace.

Junko Furuta

book arrived!

the only thing i can cook, nomnom ;;

apart from  my sherlock novels, l change the world and bbc murder crimes (?) i never read books on my own. but now i got interested in books again. cc:

but the last days i bought 2 novels and ordered on the internet 2 more novels. the 4th one arrived today and now i'm at my third one right now ~

thought i won't have much time to read them the next time because i've got to read two other novels for school and exams are coming up /:

got to go to japanese lessons.. <:

have a nice day ♥

seriously,

you make me smile with every single thing you give me.  

quotes!

" after pain you'll know graditude. "

" your efforts will not betray you"  

ah

there are times i should really speak out whats on my mind. it's not because saying nothing is wrong, but its not good for me either and its ok, to speak out, because its my opinion and the truth.

but today i went too far. i just said whats on my mind because i was annoyed hearing sth almost everyday for such a long time. afterwards i felt really sorry and apologized shortly but .. its not like i have undone it ..

i think its somehow ok now, i think. still i'm feeling bad..

but i'll treat her nicely on monday (:

today my mp4 player was sent '_____' i hope it'll arrive soon but i shouldn't be too impatient.

ah. really, really looking forward it! 

a little confuused

as a girl i want to be pretty for the person i like.

i know i'm not fat nor really chubby, but not skinny either. and in order to become prettier and feel more comfortable in my own body i wanted my legs to become skinnier but when in school a boy joked around that i got fatter around my legs and i started moaning with a laugher another boy said that at least i don't lock like a rod? anymore. and that it would be better the way it is now.

i'm so confused haha. thought the boys would usually prefer skinny, pretty legs.

even though, i think i'll continue doing a bit of sport. thought it can't really be called 'sport'. ((:

it's fine. i know whats healthy and what not. i'm still happily eating and so on!

i like him a lot. ignoring is so hard when he's right next to me ;;

(-'':

my mood is going up and down.

words.. even though they're meant as a joke, it really hurts me. and just because i don't show it, it doesnt mean i don't feel anything. smiling it away.. ignoring . <:

in the morning my mood wa slike  uuupwards in the sky. yesterday wasn't able to sit next to him in class because the desks were changed. but today it was like god gave me time with him, haha ! today i had school in the evening. having missed the bus i had to wait and then .. he suddenly appeared in front of me. when i noticed him he was smiling brightly coming towards me. then we went together to school. we didnt talk much but i had to smile the whole time! because i thought it might be a bit strange i tried to cover it a few times with my scarf haha, but in the end i didn't mind anymore.

anyway. thanks for that!

aww

do you know how hard it is to restrain myself?

because i dont want you to know my feelings i can't try to talk to you and be with you the hole time.

it would be way too obvious. thats why i've got to try to ignore you 

even though i always know that you're there.

wish to talk to you and hug you, writing you sms and chat with you.

thinking of you all the time. even the smallest gesture you do makes me happy.

how i wish i could just stay by your side.

!

just took it. love, love!

ordered a mp3 player. i hope the money will transfer quickly so it'll arive here soon. <<: 

because music is a huge, huge part of my life. ♥

i feel like my strengh is slowly fading away..

ehw

didnt get to see the sky a lot these days. ;;

why is getting confident so hard? why couldnt i just get born with lots of it haha ;;

people with confident just seem so much prettier which doesnt mean shy people are ugly to me lol.

but you know? i want to be one of those. i think i improved through the years a bit, but i'm still lacking a lot of it. i wonder how i will be in a few years.. (-:

fighting~

tired

school is really exhausting. its because i take it serious contrary to many  other students. i'm so tired. 

in times like this i just want to be by his side and rest a bit..

 ah, it sounds so awkward, sorry.

seriously

all i can think of is him! i can't think of anything else.

what should i do? hoping for more isn't good at all..

i want to to chat with him, to see him, to spend time with him.

i think i'm going crazy..

Happy New Year! :**

yees, so photo was taken by me *Q* nice huh? hehe cc:

i wish you all a wonderful new year ♥

even though it doesnt feel like a new year to me somehow.

anyways. today wasnt really special so .. i'll  just think of yesterday as the last day of the year.

that would be an awesome end, right? hehe.actually i should start lowering my expecations again.

because i wrote him and now i'll wait like forever for him to answer. he's everything i could think of today and maybe the next days haha.without expectations no disappointments either. everythings given seems to be

more fortunate and happy.

maybe i'll make this as my new years resolution. i dont have any yet.

except of living a happy live. but actually i think thats all. thats all i want. live a happy live without regrets.

but telling it myself once more will make it more topical for me.

ok, it's decided then.
my resolutions for this year are those three:

be happy

live without regrets

be thankful

13/01/01

tinymiracle