mixxed

got mixxed feelings.
so many things happened since the last post. unbelieevable. its only 2 month ago?
actually dont want to write everything down here. its just i did a lot wrong things refering to the person i liked. thinking how i must've hurt him makes me cry.. even though i'm not in the position to cry haha.
the days with the three of us.. i wonder if its possible for them to come back.

that would be .. just awesome.

i dont know whether i should approach or leave him alone though cause he said he has to ignore me cause i cant bear it.. the last day i could chat with him pretty normal though, i was so happy about that!

i'm now seeing the other person though.. i/we wanted to keep it a secret more or less, but it's out? now and i'm a bit afraid how much it'll spread in school after the holidays end next week. this is what really troubles me somehow. plus i've already enough to do for school :'> maybe i'm getting quite scared of people again. i need to be more comfortable with myself ._.

but

in 5 days theres a concert .. and i'm really looking forward to it. thought i've got to skip 1-2 schooldays.

but i bet it'll be awesome!! i need to get contactlenses until then, but i wont be able to purchase it online cause it wont arrive on time probably.. time moves so fast !! 

oh. and i'm currently making a crochet scarf? i dont know the verb. crocheing? thaha

but .. its my first time and .. thats why its gotten wider and smaller and it really bothers me actually but it'll be a birthday gift so i dont have much time left plus i already have enough to do for school.. xx

I dont know what to wear for the concert yet !! have to go shopping?? but last time i already spent so much money for clothes :(( winter clothes are so expensive. compared to what i usually spent for shopping, which is barely much cause i dont want to spend too much on clothes :( since we dont have that much money.. i'm mainly wearing my sisters clothes so i dont really HAVE to buy new clothes.. which is bothering me though, cause i dont get to wear what i really want and which expresses MY persoonality. i think the clothes you wear say a lot about yourself :) having just some clothes which i like myself now, makes me feel a lot better ^_^

plus i got a new handy <3 my last one lasted 3 years and it was cute but really old? therefore it wasnt technically really good. haha and huge as well. but now, after waiting soo long, i think 3 years are quite a long time considering the huge improvements in technology in such a short period haha, i got a new one ^_^i really liked it a lot, and because i waited some time after it got out, i saved quite some money :)

saving money now as well since i dont get pocket money and i dont work.. i should .. but i'm just too afraid of people. i know it sounds like an excuse :< but just cant yet..

thought about going oversea after i graduated in order to change that and spare some time before i have to decide what to study but i'm just really scared. not only because of that but also because i'm having dificulties with food as well. even at home i'm still often feeling sick, going oversea i won't know what to eat at all, getting sick i wont be able to always skip work? and i never had a job yet. 

i used to work sometimes in my mothers restaurant though so i've got a liiiittle little bit of experience at least.

anways.. i wrote much more than i planned to, but nevermind.

best wishes. :)

no,

i was wrong. i still don't know at all!
we're going to talk tomorrow once more. i hope i won't break into tears again. didn't feel well today at all. i wonder whether i should apologize t someone because i may've been rude. i don't think so thought, but i'm still struggeling not to type " i'm sorry".
so worried and scared about e v e r y t h i n g . it's taking my breath.

geez, i think i know now.

and i do really like him after all.

after three years it seems like its not one sided anymore, haha.

but lets see how it'll develop.

actually i don't really know what i like about him. i just know i do. of course there are some times when i think "aw, that's what i like about him" but i can't tell exactly what.

is that weird? but i don't care. :)


edit-
sth more. today was a birthday and farewell party of two friends who are going out but i didn't go ..
anyways i drew a picture of those two for my friend. actually i could say both are my friends but i drew it for the girl, haha. and my sister who handed it over just wrote me that she was really, really pleased about it, that she almost cried and that she liked it the most of all the presents!
i never expected that! making someone this happy with one of my drawings.. thats awesome!

;;

i want thinner tights ;;

- fifty sobs;; tryin'.

doushio

what should i do? i have to decide.. but i cant yet, i don't know ;;

(yuummy)

irritated about myself.. xx

seriously

i messed up again.

its been a long time <:

the last days/ weeks or even the last month was pretty good. awesome, nice.

i got to spend a lot of fun time together with some friends included the person i like.

or at least i think/thought i like. for 3 years now. but as i started to get close to him i started doubting it. i mean i still liked to be at his side and i do like him.. but i think my heart reacted more when i was with another person. but thinking about being more than friends with him is like impossible.

nevertheless yesterday in the beginning i was close to my former or still crush but in the end with the other one.

today it seems like i've messed up. seriously. we didnt say a word. one time i thought that he told me sth and i answered but afterwards i think it wasnt directed to me.

kind of depressing. we planned to do sth today and tomorrow and i was really looking forward to it,

but i'm not sure anymore //:

it's my fault

down

the last days were SO AWESOME.

but now i've been hit into my heart? again. everything is taken by me very personal.

why do i even do that?! i HATE that. ah i'm depressed. still have got homework to do.

iya da!!

sun ♥

today was such a nice weather! 

because of a school friend it was sometimes rather sad, because he plans to drop out of school .. but after school i skipped japanese lessons.... and went with some friends and him to a river. we didnt do much but just laying there while talking about some randrom things are so nice. ♥

still i wish that he won't drop out.. because he's somehow a really dear friend to me and i bet to the hole class as well.

please stay!

if you keep calm you'll never be a super sayajin!

slowly getting scared ppl might recognize my blog lol

love how the birds fligh across my window!

anyways. today was a quiet beautiful day :>

got to 'met' an old friend of mine ^__^

plus ..

i got to be with that one person ♥ 

xc

why do I always fear about what people might think about me after I do, write or say anything. I'd love to have the confidence of my friend //: can't learn. too tired and too stressed. it's really stressful to have do many expectations from others apart of mine which are really high even without the ones of the others. seriously my own ones are more than enough. I know I'm really hard to myself. I'd wish a shoulder to lean on.

unbelievable

the person from the last post wrote me things like i miss you, when will we see again, why dont you come over next month? and after two days thinking/ learning for school i just wrote him that i probably dont feel the way he feels for me. omg so weird //:

and the last day a friend (boy) from my class started writing me things like honey, we're meant for eachother, i know you feel the same way and because he always jokes aroung and is in class the "moodmaker" i naturally thought it was a joke. and i still think that was nothing serious.

but yesterday i joked around as well calling him honey or sth similiar, and he joined as well.

afterwards he often hugged me, joked around, made me sit next to him and leaned his head on my shoulder usw. , and because i thought he stil had a girlfriend i thought he wasnt serious but in the end of the day i found out that they werent together anymore, even though i couldnt believe him because i usually should have known that, and my friend said sth like " why else do you think he kept following you" .

and i was just shocked OO and his "ex"girlfriend is in my class as well and even though we're not really friends, i still like her. i seriously cant belive this but perhaps i'm just totally wrong.

why doesnt just the one person i think i like, likes me. that would be more than enough!

having others like me makes me feel so uncomfortable even though i should be happy or appreciate it?  //:

omg

our family had guests, which are sleeping over today. (??)

we once visited our guests and i was like a totally outsider. i talked and 'hanged out' a bit with the younger girls but once they were gone i was just chilling around while my sister had fun with the other 'older' ones. today i had a bad feeling in the beginning as well. it was really uncomfortable. then i, my sister and a boy watched a movie together, since then it got better and i felt more natural. everything was fine i guess. until about 1-2 hours. i watched a horror movie with the cousin of the boy before and it was pretty normal. late when it got 'scarier' he took my hand and i just started laughing since i didnt expected that he was that scared. but he grabbed Both hands the hole movie. and that really tightly, atfer letting go clicking the next video, he took my hand again. and so on. when we finished the movie and watched with the laptop musicvideos he intended many times to grab my hand. after A LOT of tries he grabbed my wrist, and then my hand OO but let go right away. before i said goodbye because we had to go, he hugged me about 3 times, linked arms, and then kissed my cheek OO!

watching the movie together with him made me already think that he likes me but after that i guess it was 110% sure!! thats so.. like really, really awkward. i liked him because he always helped me out when i was making myself into an outsider, and he's really nice and funny and a good person, but .. liking me makes it SO awkward.

plus .. 

if it seems like people cant stand me, i feel like why? what have i done wrong? 

but when people like/love me, i think.. what is there to like about me? i seriously couldnt think of anything. i didn't speak much like almost nothing because i'm not good in my motherlanguage and shy. everything i did was laughing watching the movie.. can that even be enough ??

feels so strange. have to learn for a very, very important presentation tomorrow/ today //:

Digimon *__*

started re-watching Digimon Tamer! i seriously LOVE this anime, i feel so sorry for the children nowadays, because it was one of the best parts of my childhood. ♥ 

my work placement is over now. it was better than i thought but my assessment sheet wasn't really good. :c actually it is ok but i expected a better one .. /:

anyways.

i'm intending in becoming confident. 

having trust in me and love myself more.

hwaiting!

never (!) wrote it like that, but i think that somewhere i already wrote "fighting" hahah (:

1 week of my work placement (?) is over, 2 weeks left. it was somehow really strenuous because i'm alone with one person for ~7 hours every day!! but mostly because i don't know what to talk.. |: i'm still so bad at talking and awkward with "strangers" ++ hopefully it gets better. x:

btw. i re-decorated my desk, it looks so much better this way *^* hehe~

seriously

i love, love, love people with confidence !!

thats how i want to become. (:

(without being arrogant or meant of course.. kekek)

it arrived!

ok it didnt arrive actually. i went to pick my package up and the post station, but nevermind, because it's finally heeere!

i looked for a mp4 maybe for a year!! but especially for the last half year to a few months ö_ö

because i really, really need music. it's almost/probabyl the most important thing in my life!

anyways one or two days before i got a card from the post that told me it arrived at my post station i found on the internet the same model, only with another name ( instead of "yepp" "samsung") on it for not even half of the price i had to pay!! it was really.. bitter. haha

anyways when i finally got the package after waiting about 3 weeks after ordering, i was looking forward it.

and here it is !! ~

the package

and here my beloved mp4 player!!

i love the pink colour ö_ö serously!

oh and it isnt turned on, its just a sticker <:

...

i really, really don't understand how people can be so cruel..

if i only try to imagine her pain and what she must have gone through .. its terrible, awful.. !

can not be explained into words. wish you from the bottom of my heart to.. rest in peace.

Junko Furuta

book arrived!

the only thing i can cook, nomnom ;;

apart from  my sherlock novels, l change the world and bbc murder crimes (?) i never read books on my own. but now i got interested in books again. cc:

but the last days i bought 2 novels and ordered on the internet 2 more novels. the 4th one arrived today and now i'm at my third one right now ~

thought i won't have much time to read them the next time because i've got to read two other novels for school and exams are coming up /:

got to go to japanese lessons.. <:

have a nice day ♥

seriously,

you make me smile with every single thing you give me.  

quotes!

" after pain you'll know graditude. "

" your efforts will not betray you"  

ah

there are times i should really speak out whats on my mind. it's not because saying nothing is wrong, but its not good for me either and its ok, to speak out, because its my opinion and the truth.

but today i went too far. i just said whats on my mind because i was annoyed hearing sth almost everyday for such a long time. afterwards i felt really sorry and apologized shortly but .. its not like i have undone it ..

i think its somehow ok now, i think. still i'm feeling bad..

but i'll treat her nicely on monday (:

today my mp4 player was sent '_____' i hope it'll arrive soon but i shouldn't be too impatient.

ah. really, really looking forward it! 

a little confuused

as a girl i want to be pretty for the person i like.

i know i'm not fat nor really chubby, but not skinny either. and in order to become prettier and feel more comfortable in my own body i wanted my legs to become skinnier but when in school a boy joked around that i got fatter around my legs and i started moaning with a laugher another boy said that at least i don't lock like a rod? anymore. and that it would be better the way it is now.

i'm so confused haha. thought the boys would usually prefer skinny, pretty legs.

even though, i think i'll continue doing a bit of sport. thought it can't really be called 'sport'. ((:

it's fine. i know whats healthy and what not. i'm still happily eating and so on!

i like him a lot. ignoring is so hard when he's right next to me ;;

(-'':

my mood is going up and down.

words.. even though they're meant as a joke, it really hurts me. and just because i don't show it, it doesnt mean i don't feel anything. smiling it away.. ignoring . <:

in the morning my mood wa slike  uuupwards in the sky. yesterday wasn't able to sit next to him in class because the desks were changed. but today it was like god gave me time with him, haha ! today i had school in the evening. having missed the bus i had to wait and then .. he suddenly appeared in front of me. when i noticed him he was smiling brightly coming towards me. then we went together to school. we didnt talk much but i had to smile the whole time! because i thought it might be a bit strange i tried to cover it a few times with my scarf haha, but in the end i didn't mind anymore.

anyway. thanks for that!

aww

do you know how hard it is to restrain myself?

because i dont want you to know my feelings i can't try to talk to you and be with you the hole time.

it would be way too obvious. thats why i've got to try to ignore you 

even though i always know that you're there.

wish to talk to you and hug you, writing you sms and chat with you.

thinking of you all the time. even the smallest gesture you do makes me happy.

how i wish i could just stay by your side.

!

just took it. love, love!

ordered a mp3 player. i hope the money will transfer quickly so it'll arive here soon. <<: 

because music is a huge, huge part of my life. ♥

i feel like my strengh is slowly fading away..

ehw

didnt get to see the sky a lot these days. ;;

why is getting confident so hard? why couldnt i just get born with lots of it haha ;;

people with confident just seem so much prettier which doesnt mean shy people are ugly to me lol.

but you know? i want to be one of those. i think i improved through the years a bit, but i'm still lacking a lot of it. i wonder how i will be in a few years.. (-:

fighting~

tired

school is really exhausting. its because i take it serious contrary to many  other students. i'm so tired. 

in times like this i just want to be by his side and rest a bit..

 ah, it sounds so awkward, sorry.

seriously

all i can think of is him! i can't think of anything else.

what should i do? hoping for more isn't good at all..

i want to to chat with him, to see him, to spend time with him.

i think i'm going crazy..

Happy New Year! :**

yees, so photo was taken by me *Q* nice huh? hehe cc:

i wish you all a wonderful new year ♥

even though it doesnt feel like a new year to me somehow.

anyways. today wasnt really special so .. i'll  just think of yesterday as the last day of the year.

that would be an awesome end, right? hehe.actually i should start lowering my expecations again.

because i wrote him and now i'll wait like forever for him to answer. he's everything i could think of today and maybe the next days haha.without expectations no disappointments either. everythings given seems to be

more fortunate and happy.

maybe i'll make this as my new years resolution. i dont have any yet.

except of living a happy live. but actually i think thats all. thats all i want. live a happy live without regrets.

but telling it myself once more will make it more topical for me.

ok, it's decided then.
my resolutions for this year are those three:

be happy

live without regrets

be thankful

13/01/01

tinymiracle

today ♥

somehow i really  like this picture!

today was a very good day ♥

actually i planed to go to the planetarium with three friends but when we went there the tickets were already sold out.. thats why we seperated after taking a last picture.

and because i didnt want the day to end like that and because i actually really wanted to meet him, i went to my friends home. and because i didnt tell him beforehand he was pretty surprised i guess. xD

he was playing an online game with his friend and i was just watching for quite a long time. after that he was skyping with his, i guess, closest friend, which i know as well. and after that, we were just lying on his bed and watched tv while he was sometimes answering his friends.

i thought i had feelings for him but when i thought about it my heart wasnt thumping at all. but i still really, really enjoy spending time with him. i like him very much. <:

before i had to go we took a few pictures. some of them turned out pretty nice i think cc:

still waiting for him to send me all of them. but because i was already able to be and write with him so much i dont want to bother him too much. its nice that this year ends this way. its nice that i got to see him before next year and take the lasts pictures with him.

i'm very happy that i went to his house afterall. 

yay!

today i went to buy some things and afterwards to the hairdresser!

i've got to admit that i got really nervous when i sat down to get the cut because i usually just cut my hair myself somehow and when i went to the hairdresser they never cut my hair like i wanted to expect from when i went to my hometown. afterwards i was usually rather disappointed..

but this time ... i'm totally, toooootally satisfied with the outcome!

i got side bangs, shortened my hair length and added some layers.

looks nice! cc: i didnt expect that this rather short hair would suit me this well hehe.

usually i would have long hair but because i have quiet thin and not many hair i guessed it would be better to shorten them.

a nice start for the new year, i really wanted to do that!

btw. these days i got to write with a person i like. we write actually really much. and its not like i am the only one who thinks of sth to continue our chat.

aww, that makes me happy. c: he makes me happy.

half of the vacations are already over and i nearly didnt start with learning and homeworks.

but today i really dont want to learn!

sitting in my bed already with my guitar beside me. today i'll only play guitar and chill. c:

tomorrow i'll go with two friends to the planetarium because i have some coupons!

looking forward it because, you know i really like the sky and the stars.

and after that .. i really have to  will start with homeworks and so on. (:

thats it.

the next days i'll add a picture because right now i'm on the laptop and

 not on my pc where my photographs are.

♥

suffering

my wisdom tooth got taken out. the process itself didnt hurt much, but now after a few hours past i'm getting pretty hard headaches. i got medicine but i cant take it because it consists lactose. /:

i neve had such a strong headache .. ah its really painful. but thats not what bothers me the most.

the thing is that i think the place where my tooth got taken out was sewed really strange.. i think. hopefully i'm wrong. but i think the way it was sewed hurts the most. 

i wonder if its away by tomorrow. because tomorrow i've actually plant to meet some friends if its getting better. cause there is no way that i'll come spitting blood, having strong headaches and not being able to eat anything. ah i didnt think that it would be such a pain even afterwards. next week my next 2 teeth have to be taken out ..

please let the way he sewed be "normal" it would be too troublesome if not .. 

btw. one more thing.

the moon tonight is really, really beautiful. it shines so much and the few stars i can see around him are beautiful. i wish i could always see the pretty starry sky.

and not just sometimes from my balcony..

no picture today. ;;

sigh*

my mom making food for me- yummy~ 

everytime i sight it really seems like i'm ageing (?).

and with sighing i dont mean like heaving a sight of relief.

i always feel bad afterwards. do you know that feeling?

but sometimes its inevitable because i am doing it spontanious without thinking :c

sick and tired

am i the only one who have to TRY to approach you?

why is it always me who have to come to you, who have to find a topic to talk to, to laugh to

why dont you come once

its because you dont want me to read your mind?

so should i stop doing that? do you even know why i am doing that?

it's because i worry about you, because i care!

i'm really getting tired of this. i dont have the patience for this. it does hurt me, too, okey?

always thinking about how you could feel, but i dont want to.

cant i be a bit egoistic once?

why is it always me who have to bare it, who have to be kind and smile?

i dont want to anymore.

<:

pretty, isn't it? haha

bought me the novel "l change the world" '_______'

i almost finished reading it. gosh i'm so in love with it and the live action movie ♥

it's really, really awesome! i recommend it highly! <:

later i'll go to a little birthday party withan overnight stay. we'll make a movie night (?) <:

i hope it'll be fun. i'm looking forward it! but today in the morning i ate sth i shouldnt have .. but i've still got a bit time for my tummy to rest. c:

..

cute little birdy!

how can she always be kind to everyone ??

i tried to be kind as well, but the other person seems to be hatiing !! me. i smiled and laughed at her but now she responds so aggresive LOL. should i just bear it?

those things actually pretty hurt me. and make me angry as well.

i don't want to feel those negative feelings. ; A ;

got to do my homework now.. but instead of that i'm discussing with her. why cant she be a bit nicer to me, like she is to the others. she used to be kind to me as well WTF.

ok .. just bear  it?

not yet.

pretty huh? this photo was taken in oxford <:

i tried but i know the me now cant be like that. 

cant be so pure and kind like her. 

but even if i cant be like that yet, 

one day i'll hope that i'll be able to.


today i came to learn a lot things, i actually know but never didnt much attention to.
first. if you present sth. you've got to present it full of yourself to be able to convince the listeners.
if you always say "i think", or "i guess" it doesnt sound that you're sure, so your listeners won't be truly convinced from the thingsy ou said and think that maybe it's true or maybe not.
the second thing is that people who have a lower voice tend to appear more confident and trustfull in their words. people who have a higher voice tend to seem unsure and more likeable to lie.

so notice for me: pay more attention to those points! c:

♥

yesterday before i fell asleep i thought that a sincere hug would be nice.

and in my dream i dreamt about a person i know from school. he was so kind and friendly to me. we came to know each other better and we kind of fell in love. now that i write it here like this it sounds weird because it is a person i know, but i had such a warm feeling. i felt so safe and sound with him. my heart was racing. ah it was awesome <:

^ _____ ^

pretty huh ? c:

arrived yesterday from my school trip and it was a w e s o m e !

i did not want to return actually but at the last day i got sick so it was ok.

but during the days before i hold a strict diet and almost everything was good! sometimes i felt a little, little bit ill, but it felt so good, to live a week without my problems. i think things will turn out better from now on about my illness.

i got to know three persons and i came to really like them. especially one. she is like an angel. really pretty on the outside and maybe even prettier on the inside. so pure! that people like that even exist! really impressed.

i hope i can become like her. <:

i did not buy a lot which i think is ok but i lost something at the airport or the airplane.. it was something like a souvenir coint, pretty and a memento... sad that i've lost it .. but i cant change it. :c

some of the things i bought, i think, i will upload the following days but here are some pictures i took during the trip! in total i took 540 pictures those 5 days. a lot of precious memories for me!! c:

 balloons of pizza hut suddenöy flew away.

snapshot!

worried /:

when i was still allowed to eat strawberries /:

i will go to abroad for a week with my class but i am really, really worried about my sickness. i am holding a strict diet but i still have big problems with my digestion. i do not know what to do or eat else...

i will be praying that it will get better there.. otherwise i think this study trip will not be a lot of fun /: .. but the opposite.

for the study trip itself i am really looking forward to .. but i am so afraid that i will get sick. /: it is really no fun and it is not like i have only stomach aches .. that really would not be a problem at all! i would even prefer really strong injuries instead of this problems i have..

please pray with me as well :c

DD':

just finished watching a show .. it was so sad. really just cried a lot. so touching.

this may sound awkward and weird but it really teached me a lot about life.

kkk

went there with some friends <:

should appreciate more. keep fighting!

:x

how can i be so selfish and jealous.. /:

 i don't understand myself for those negative feelings. i really hate that. i don't want to think bad about friends. i want to cheer with my friends even if i myself have got a hard time.

it's not the princip if i'm happy, you can be happy, if i'm sad you have to be sad as well.

i really hate that. 

how can my heart be so ugly sometimes?

brrr

its so cold i swear!! TT
got to go out and learn with my friend now |: aww

got 33 followers!

so randrom haha sorry. 

like the colors. they match so prettily  ♥

don't.

i shouldn't expect someone to understand me.

don't even hope for it. 

just don't.

ah

i want to be able to fight with a friend as well.. cause i think thats what friendship is about. fighting, making up, getting closer.. i really envy those people. but to be honest i 'never' had a real fight. i dont even want to urge and only try to prevent fights. always thinking about, how the other person could react on my actions.

aah. kokoro connect is an awesome anime. i love those kinds of animes, and the story is awesome. true friendship..thats what i wish for.

aww

my friend just told me sth super, super nice.  

she said that i would make a good impression at first sight .. and that i'm charasmatic!!

no one ever told me that.

ok.. super rdm stuff, but it just made me happy. haha

♪

sungha jung, my idol and my inspiration!

in order to meet him again, and become someone i've got to practice more and more!

it's my goal to make him remember me.

cc:

i just found this emoticon.

ρ(｀Д´o【｡☆ｆｉｇｈｔ!!☆｡】o｀Д´)９

isnt it cute? hahah love the smiley's expressions.
fighting!!

phew

my lack of confidence kills me. really.

i dont know what i should think. whats right or wrong. why doesnt anybody help me?

doushite.
it's like no one appreciates my efforts.
i hate that. i really do.

its to much

its too much. its too hard to bring the strength up and laugh everything away.

i'm sick of acting. no one knows how i feel, how hurt i am.

in the end.. if i really need someone, no one's there.

- sometimes i wish to have a heart of stone.

whats going on??

i never expected us to get in a 'fight'.
getting ignored.. from a person, i never expected to, hurts, lol.

that's

my selfprotection.

suffering D-:

one of my favourite bands is going to perform today in a country which isnt thaat far away. maybe you guys (from which guys am i even talking about lol? remember that i planned to search for a job etc. in order to go to a concert which i already planned with my friend .. but in the end we had to cancel it.. it was like almost decided but then .. :-(
it's so sad. i see so many posts about them everywhere...

but instead of being in london , waiting for them to perform i've got to do many,many homeworks.. plus searching for a work placement (!!)

sigh..

anyways.
here's the present i mentioned somewhere below. ok you cant see very much .. someday i'll make another photo with the 'real' things inside haha
got it from a "rockerrish" (?) friend. most of the people just give sth they like as well as a present, but this one is really girlish with the dried roses and stars. - i told her that i like stars- plus inside is a lot of gold glitter. i really appreciate that gift, cause she seemed to have thought about it a lot (-:

the  paper thing is a tabulatur for a guitar~

aww

my school day was okay. a bit of a fake like usual these days, but after school.. it became really bad again.
i thought of my mistakes again, what could i've done wrong that it become like this, how should i act now. - just what to do next.

but a good friend gave me a present at school, but i didnt open it there, cause i usual prefer t open presents for myself when i'm alone. and because i was in such a bad mood when i arrived at home, i didnt open it right away, but i finally did now. and i've got to say:

it's the best present i've ever got. i'm just so happy about it!
i'll post pictures of it the following days.
aw, i really have to thank her tomorrow!!

acting

it's all just an act. - but i guess its better like that. it's more 'fun' this way and it's not that depressing.

but i'm still hoping for someone to see through this fassade.. 

and through my fake smile.

embarrassing

i was just surfing on the internet and listening to music, but when an awesome cover song started, i started to sing as well.. with the top of my voice.
now i just realized that my mother was not far from me away, standing in the kitchen and my doors were wiiiide, wide open... <:
i'm not a good singer .. but i really enjoy music.

btw. here's the cover song!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2zVgtM5KVpE&feature=g-vrec

i'm the worst.

aww

i've got school for 2 days now. holidays ended ): but everythings fine so far (:
now i've got japanese lessons again. today will be the first time. it's a new class, but they all have known each other for one year now. i'll get going now, wish me luck please. (:
watashi wa ganbatte ne ~

awesomeness

the concert was really awesome! i'll definitely never forget this day in my hole life!

i even got a sign on my guitar.. it's the most precious thing i own and treasure. someday i'd like to be like him. i want him to notice me that's my goal. that's why i've decided to become a great guitarist. he's such an inspiration and my idol.

i can to that.

good mood!

it's too funny. XDDD
one or two hours earlier a concert was announced in a neighbour country and i DEFINITELY want to see them !!!
i was so excited to hear those news that i had to write my friend, cause we're both big fands of them !!
and now we're planning our trip there, looking for a job, a fly and so on. but we didn't even asked our parents for permission. LOL
but a few problems are coming up. i hope they get solved soon. cause i'M TOTALLY looking forward it and i'm sooo motivated to work! the day after tomorrow we're going to applicate for some jobs hahaha. - just solved the current one. ♥

happy. c:

.. but the biggest problem still awaits us..
: her parents!

inspired

lol. i got inspired from watching videos on yt hehe.
but today i went to a doctor and made a lactose test, thats why i feel a bit sick.. it seems like i really got sth against lactose. actually i got really, really sick, that's why i had to cancel a meet with my friend, too.
so now i've got to stay at home and clean up, washing dishes and doing sth. for my mother..
goal for sunday:

skinny thights (!!!); like the most important
finding a way to make my outgrown bangs look well, or decide to cut them myself
memorize tabs
learn some songs on guitar

that's it for now c:

gotta be a huge post <:

cause now i'm going to tell you the hole story.
actually theres not that much to say about our so called "fight"

it's about me and my friend. we know each other for about two years now, but it feels like several more.
normaly i'm not good in talking at all. i can't even talk to people whom i know for about four, five years or more. it really depends on the person themselves. i don't have much friends like that..
so i really treasure those.

we had a lot of fun together those 2 years and my family liked him to and trust him, that's why i got to go with him to places and events, where my parents would let me never go. but he got to like me and he confessed. after that i was a bit disturbed.. i can't handle such situations well and thats why there was a short time when i kind of ignored him. well, i didn't ignore him but tried a bit to hold a distance. atfer some time everything was fine again and we were like before. sometimes i still got the feeling that he likes me but after a while i really know it. it was ok but i still tried to take consideration, so i won't make him false hopes. this last  for maybe about a year but two till three months ago he confessed again. he told me all his feelings like i changed and doesn't treat him like before, that's why he felt so hurted. but i tried to explain him that it wasn't my intension and that i didn't notice that. i really didn't held a distance or sth like that like before. so i just apologized for that cause i didn't want that and i told him that i really like him but .. only as a normal friend.

after that i saw him on my way home from school in a bus and just tried to smile at him, he said hello but didn't take place where i am and just continued sitting there, so i went with my friends searching for a place. when we had to change the bus, we all went together in there and me and my friends took place, but he just went past us. atfer that he kinda ignored me at school and so on. in the beginning he still greeted me but then he stopped even that. he still greeted my friends/ our friends but left me behind.
one day i sent him a sms asking whether he's in school and if he has got time to talk, but he said "not really".
it just really hurted. that time i was together with my friends in the cafeteria. when i wrote him i went away where nobody is and just cried after that reply. after i waited till my eyes were 'normal' i went back, turned my music on, turned a bit away from the others and just heart music.
holding the tears back.
one friend noticed it and asked me if i was okey and i replied yes..
but couldn't hold back, atfer she asked me directly and so i started to break out in tears.
i never ever cried before them and i didn't want to happen that but it was just too much that time.
usually i just cry alone. hold back until i'm home and cry silently.
later he wrote me that we could write on facebook so i thought he saw me, but it turned out he didn't.

on fb i asked him whats going on, but he just said that he doesn't feel well, so i confrontated him that he still talks normally to the others but not to me. he completly started to ignore me and didn't even take a look in my direction. after a nearly useless discussion he confessed that he stopped talking to a few persons and so on, cause he felt like they were only using him for their purposes, so i stated "so you think that i only uses you?" and he was like .. not really.
me: what do you mean by that?
he: just indirectly
me: what did i do?
he: only talking and writing me if you need sth.
after that i was completely shocked. i didn't know what to say cause i have never expected that.. so i just said:
"i'm sorry if thats seems to you like that or if i really have done that."
he: it's ok. anyways we should talk about it personally. someday.

but actually it was him who didn't want to talk personaly..
anyways.. i didn't really talk to him anymore. after that he came a few times to my house but just to go away with my sister. after every visit i cried.
i cried really a lot because of that.

since then i decided a few weeks ago not to think about it anymore. cause i used to blame me for everything, even if i actually know that i didn't make anything wrong, i still search for the failures on my side

a week ago i decided to be happy and stop with everything of that.
 stop apologizing, stop saying you're welcome, stop saying it's ok.

just beeing happy, think positive, laugh and don't cry. until now i was fine.
but writing that, memorizing and thinking about this- i had to cry again.

next week on sunday we will go to a concert from a person i really admire. with friends.
we were actually supposed to go alone, but luckily it turned out like this now.

"luckily". i thought i would be the luckiest person on earth, meeting this person, but i can't be happy at all.
i decided to behave normally in front of him like we used to, in order to enjoy the concert, but i'm not sure whether i'm able to do that. .. but no! i definitely will. cause i don't want sth to destroy this awesome chance.

so thats it. i didn't tell this story anyone! and maybe i'll keep this to me forever. but it actually really burdened me.

tinymiracle 12/08/18

already so much time left since my last post.
so many things happened which i'd like to write about but the pictures i took aren't on this pc and i haven't much time left cause i'm going to met two friends soon! (:
even if nothing really happened, the time is really hard for me. it's like it's getting worse and worse.
i went to a camp for 1 week and just eat vegetarian/ vegan food cause i they just cook those two kinds. i didn't ate for a week any milk products and avoided fruits, too !!
but i still got stomach ache and so on .. medicin didn't helped either so it's obviously that this can't be the reason for my illness. /:
i also often have knee aches, which my sister has got, too. that's why she went to a doctor, who told her, that she goes wrong or sth. like that. now i'm kinda afraid, that i've got sth. with my knees, too.
plus these days it seems like i've got hair loss!!
i've always got sth on my mind, and my problems with a friend aren't solved yet. i'm still thinking about it a lot and i didn't came up with a solution. sight.
i've got to search for a work placement as well.

i feel so stressed and the fact that it's probably the reason for my illness, wherefore i have to avoid stress, stress me, too.

it's such a "vicious" circle !
even though i'm supposed to have vacations. /:
anyways .. that's it for now.



tinymiracle

oh it's already 21th july~

today's my friends birthday~

okay uhm. *trying to remember what happened the last days*
oh right. yesterday was my last school day and now i've got sommer holidays! but actually .. i still don't have the "holiday-feeling" and i feel like getting sicker everyday .. even if i don't eat ANYTHING at all. )-': 
i don't know what to do. i've even bought a tea for indigestions which i'm drinking right now haha. hope it helps. ''

and.. do you remember the guy who used to hit me all the day and never sais anything nice to me? yesterday on our way home we were alone and ,just before our ways splittet, i thought about what i should say or how i should say goodbye cause it was the last day before holidays, but then he suddenly gave me a kind of hug and wished me happy holidays! i wondered so much about how kind he was to me! i know he's a really nice person but i'm just not used to it if he is nice to ME. anyways i was really happy about it. (-:

btw. i applied nail polish on my nails and it looks awesome. it was inspired by yt tutorials and the starry sky and like you should already know i LOVE the sky. ♥

one more time, one more chance

i just heard this beautiful ost http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MH2qHfu45ds&feature=g-vrec. reading the title of the cd "one more time, one more chance" really inspired me to another way of thinking. nowadays i'm always depressed and think of everything i've done wrong and so on.. but .. now it's really a time for change. i know.. i have said that already so many times but there's nothing wrong in trying right? i shouldn't just think of my mistakes but how i can improve on them. it's only human to make mistakes. it's okay. everyone make mistakes and i'm still young, i still have my hole life forward me.
so let's think positive and live your life like you want to.
because you live only once.

12.59

i read this quotation from michelle phan:
" t's okay to struggle towards becoming a better person. It shouldn't matter how long the journey takes... as long as you get there with the people who will walk with you till the end. :)"


and it does really suit here! (-:
plus this image, which she posted. 

bubz. she's such an inspiration!
http://youtu.be/DdGNWyq8nsQ

friday 13rd !

yeeees, but nothing happened. just like every year hehe.

today was pretty good cause i acted like nothing happened. and .. it was the right choice i guess. after school i and three friends went to one of those friend's home and we chilled a bit. went out, bought something to eat and made thiiiis. fast food .. but it tasted good haha. (-:

 yummy ~

AH !! 

i got these posters from my friend today ♥

beast

 and mblaq **

but i went home earlier because i didn't feel well )-:

and i've got to buy a present for my friends who will turn nineteen tomorrow.. ><

btw, isn't my friend's cat lovely? ♥