gotta be a huge post <:

cause now i'm going to tell you the hole story.
actually theres not that much to say about our so called "fight"

it's about me and my friend. we know each other for about two years now, but it feels like several more.
normaly i'm not good in talking at all. i can't even talk to people whom i know for about four, five years or more. it really depends on the person themselves. i don't have much friends like that..
so i really treasure those.

we had a lot of fun together those 2 years and my family liked him to and trust him, that's why i got to go with him to places and events, where my parents would let me never go. but he got to like me and he confessed. after that i was a bit disturbed.. i can't handle such situations well and thats why there was a short time when i kind of ignored him. well, i didn't ignore him but tried a bit to hold a distance. atfer some time everything was fine again and we were like before. sometimes i still got the feeling that he likes me but after a while i really know it. it was ok but i still tried to take consideration, so i won't make him false hopes. this last  for maybe about a year but two till three months ago he confessed again. he told me all his feelings like i changed and doesn't treat him like before, that's why he felt so hurted. but i tried to explain him that it wasn't my intension and that i didn't notice that. i really didn't held a distance or sth like that like before. so i just apologized for that cause i didn't want that and i told him that i really like him but .. only as a normal friend.

after that i saw him on my way home from school in a bus and just tried to smile at him, he said hello but didn't take place where i am and just continued sitting there, so i went with my friends searching for a place. when we had to change the bus, we all went together in there and me and my friends took place, but he just went past us. atfer that he kinda ignored me at school and so on. in the beginning he still greeted me but then he stopped even that. he still greeted my friends/ our friends but left me behind.
one day i sent him a sms asking whether he's in school and if he has got time to talk, but he said "not really".
it just really hurted. that time i was together with my friends in the cafeteria. when i wrote him i went away where nobody is and just cried after that reply. after i waited till my eyes were 'normal' i went back, turned my music on, turned a bit away from the others and just heart music.
holding the tears back.
one friend noticed it and asked me if i was okey and i replied yes..
but couldn't hold back, atfer she asked me directly and so i started to break out in tears.
i never ever cried before them and i didn't want to happen that but it was just too much that time.
usually i just cry alone. hold back until i'm home and cry silently.
later he wrote me that we could write on facebook so i thought he saw me, but it turned out he didn't.

on fb i asked him whats going on, but he just said that he doesn't feel well, so i confrontated him that he still talks normally to the others but not to me. he completly started to ignore me and didn't even take a look in my direction. after a nearly useless discussion he confessed that he stopped talking to a few persons and so on, cause he felt like they were only using him for their purposes, so i stated "so you think that i only uses you?" and he was like .. not really.
me: what do you mean by that?
he: just indirectly
me: what did i do?
he: only talking and writing me if you need sth.
after that i was completely shocked. i didn't know what to say cause i have never expected that.. so i just said:
"i'm sorry if thats seems to you like that or if i really have done that."
he: it's ok. anyways we should talk about it personally. someday.

but actually it was him who didn't want to talk personaly..
anyways.. i didn't really talk to him anymore. after that he came a few times to my house but just to go away with my sister. after every visit i cried.
i cried really a lot because of that.

since then i decided a few weeks ago not to think about it anymore. cause i used to blame me for everything, even if i actually know that i didn't make anything wrong, i still search for the failures on my side

a week ago i decided to be happy and stop with everything of that.
 stop apologizing, stop saying you're welcome, stop saying it's ok.

just beeing happy, think positive, laugh and don't cry. until now i was fine.
but writing that, memorizing and thinking about this- i had to cry again.

next week on sunday we will go to a concert from a person i really admire. with friends.
we were actually supposed to go alone, but luckily it turned out like this now.

"luckily". i thought i would be the luckiest person on earth, meeting this person, but i can't be happy at all.
i decided to behave normally in front of him like we used to, in order to enjoy the concert, but i'm not sure whether i'm able to do that. .. but no! i definitely will. cause i don't want sth to destroy this awesome chance.

so thats it. i didn't tell this story anyone! and maybe i'll keep this to me forever. but it actually really burdened me.

tinymiracle 12/08/18